Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Feeling sorry for myself

Fibro log: March 13-03-13

It has been mostly tears again today, not because of pain but because I’m making progress but my progress and the progress needed to be able to work and to sustain the ability is a wide gap. I’m crying because I’m intelligent and need more fulfilment in the content in my life.

To be able to go and join a group or work activity to mingle with people. But my cleaver mind starts to pull me up, I’m lucky there is someone worse off than me your feeling sorry for yourself.

Julie just took me to the local cafĂ©, shall we take the wheel chair she asked…’No I’ll walk’  it’s cold and sitting in the chair I’ll get very cold….(if I can walk, I do) Julie beat breast cancer and won! I’m inspired……

To sustain so I don’t end up bed ridden again…..reminding me to keep my feelings in today

“ Brave is going into the unknown without a map” Sandra Van Der Guest

Sanarty designs Blog Spot

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Meeting Dad

This page was about closing a painful chapter in my life, in my mid thirty's one day sitting in my kitchen the realization that I was still waiting for him to turn up and take me to the park was powerfully there.

After closing the possibility of ever meeting him, he traced me and we met in the summer of 2009. I flew to Hungary but the reunion quickly turned sour and I flew back early.

This page is my final farewell and I am at peace. I intend to produce more journal work around this  aspect of my life, more will be revealed!    

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

New Freedom From Pain

This was a recent picture taken on a stroll with my daughter Jodie, I've been reflecting on the fact that just before Christmas and for a while after I was in a wheel chair, crippled with pain in my spine.

I think I should share about the things that I do to help myself:-

1. huge thing I swear by is vibrational medicine, Homeopathy and Bush and Bach Flower remedies so much so I've decided to study. I used to see a homeopath but I was empowered to self manage.

2. pacing which I fail at miserably; a good day which can take forever to build up to I can think I'm cured or healed only to find myself exhausted the following several days after;  Over doing mental activates like reading writing taking care of bills and blogging!   so when I feel I've had enough I like to do something creative as it feeds my soul. 

3. I work on my emotions, clearing negativity and use affirmations, I turn negative life situations into positive areas of growth. eg, I'm forced to leave my home because of inconsiderate neighbors the impact on my health was dangerous and there are no resources in society to help me and my daughter so I'm staying with friends and getting the much needed rest. to be continued.

4. I of course keep a journal where I dump any negative thoughts and work through current issues that weigh on my mind, I also make art pages the one above is about my Dad who I met in 2009 after a 34 year gap, this was about making peace with the past and closing  a door after a painful chapter. I had a physical relapse a year after meeting him which just kept compounding for months after.

5. Focusing on the solution not the problem, small goal setting, one of mine was to walk every day even if that was only to the end of the road and some days I really didn't want to do it because I was so tired and in pain but I did it and today I can walk much further and hold up my torso for much longer than I have ever been able to in about 12 years.

After an intense time, I'm relatively well, all things considered, I've felt very tired and a little sore today but being off of a huge cocktail of medication is by far the best route for me this coupled with support groups for a secondary condition  keeps my recovery on track.

If you read my blog please send out your love and prays for me and I send mine to you through this blog regardless of what ever life struggle you may going through.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

On Top Of The Bottom

Heidi de Hi Campers

I have a real issue with the world to day, I'm feeling some what better and have a to do list as long as.... well both my arms; I would normally write in my journal, dump whatever is swimming in my mind maybe write a to do list and if I tick off a few on the list it's a good day.

I've had FM for long enough to know that this relapse was an opportunity to reflect, well if your going to be ill then personally I like to make good use of my time. But the world goes so dam fast I hardly know where to begin.....being constantly ill is like climbing a mountain your never going to reach the top of; But that's defeatist and negative switch the mountain I say and what do you want to climb the same one for if you only ever reach the ledge of what you think is the top, only to find there's another 50 thousand feet to climb.

Apparently experience is the thing you get right after you needed it! I'm tired and have been trying to keep up with a world that to be fair I'm never going to be a contender for.And with that thought, my happy sunny side returns and now I can plot to create my own universe one where I do reach the top and it doesn't exhaust me.

Take a look at this great poster 'are you happy'  I found on Leslie Rosenbergart's blog, she also makes reference to Teesha Moore another big favoirte of mine but that's more of an art blog so must save my comments for my creative progression blog.

Saturday, 8 May 2010


Stopping to smell the honeysuckle on route to the dentist (yuck) 

And this image again born from a painful day, blogged about it on my creative progression page.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Thursday 6th May

Don't much feel like bloging today; Lower back pain and can't put much weight on my right leg, my knee is playing up.....I quietly worked on a mosaic I'm doing in my bathroom which is taking me an age but I think the kneeling position has set off today's pain, (symptomatic of the condition).

Mosaic preview, I'm all the way to the other side, this is a shot of behind the loo taken last year.

I've postal voted, tucked up in bed as per doctors orders and the homoeopathic remedy's I use are working, don't feel so blue today.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Me myself & Fibro

The title is what I wanted to call my blog but it wasn't available but as it turns out I like the title. I've been thinking about this for some time, a book even; I started to write it once but I'm dyslexic and fear it would be a disaster. Why another blog, why another one about fibromyalgia  at least another electronic page about it. There are forums health information pages but this is personal.

Today at least the first half has been one of those days we all have them we can all relate to "one of those days" For the sake of those who do not have this condition I'll try to explain as best I can and for those who suffer alongside another and them too, your just get me.

I thought to myself Clare doing this today any day will Zap your energy, typing on the key board will aggravate already sore joints wouldn't your time be best employed doing something else; I'm an artist; so journal art this but the sore finger joints will take more of a hammering and writing in my journal well helps so if your going to vent it put it on-line.

I sore my GP this morning to ask to increase the size bottle of Oramorph to save the amount of trips to the chemist to collect it, I'm hoping I will only have to collect my meds once a month rather than twice. I broke down in tears telling her I felt like I was in a boat with no rudder and without a sail, caught in the eye of a storm and from time to time this boat hits a calm stream of water but today I have cabin fever and this illness stinks! 

I'm able to count my blessings, I have been blessed with an insightful perspective but there are days when the strength inside is depleted and I rage that I don't want my illness to be minimized, for it to be recognised and valued along side other crewel debilitating conditions.